So over the last few days, the knots in my stomach have gotten worse.  Why?  I have an interview tomorrow at High Voltage.  They're saying from 1:30 till around 4.  So, not only is it my second professional interview since I graduated, but it's also a 2 1/2 hour interview.  I dont know why I'm so nervous.  I guess it's normal to be nervous in situations like this.  And actually, I'm not sure of what exactly it is I'm more nervous about.  Is it the thought that they'll hire me and I'll royally mess up or not be what they thought I was going to be?  Is it the idea of commuting 5 days a week to work, it just being like school all over again?  Is it the idea that maybe if I save up enough money (highly unlikely) that I'd have to repack everything back up and move AGAIN?  Is it the looming student loan payments that are rapidly coming up?  Or is it the idea that I'm still not quiet sure what I want to do?  Now, I know the last one's not that big of a deal.  I mean, so what, I try it out for a year or so, if it's not what I want to do, I move on and try to find work else where.  It's not that hard of a concept...but I was only planning at working my current job for a year, and now i've been there for 3 years and 2 months...

I'm not a very self confident person...I'm so overly critical about anything I do...I make second guesses with things....and I try to make people hear what they want to hear.  This can be a good habbit, but in many situations, especially when it comes to interviews for jobs, it's not such a good thing to do.  I don't want to bend the truth so much that when push comes to shove, it's revealed I dont actually know how to do it.

So where does this lead?  The classic comment of "well, just go and be yourself and you'll be fine".  I was unable to do this before, but I think last night helped me a bit just actually tell the truth for once.  It was midnight (odd, but when you live alone, who cares, right?) and I was sitting in my big comfy chair with my portfolio, looking it over to make sure that I had everything I wanted in it.  I was talking to myself out loud, answering questions about my opinions on myself, work ethics, what I like to do, what I see myself doing in 10 years...

wait, crap, i forgot that last one...I'll have to make a note to do that again tonight and remember to think of an answer for it!

I wasn't doing this so I had a predetermined set of answers for this interview...it was more to give me the confidence that I'm not gonna simply mutter, mumble and stammer out random words.  I'm trying so hard to have confidence in myself, but after a lifetime of never having any, it's hard to get into the groove.

I also didn't know exactly what the job was that they were gonna interview me for (well, not until tonight when I finally emailed them to make sure the interview was still on for tomorrow before I made the trek down there [remember, for me, it's an 80 minute drive to work]).  So I initially made up my portfolio to contain a little bit of everything that I do, just in case they wanted to see other things I do well.  You never know, I suppose...

...oh and to top off the already unpleasant, nervous feeling I have in my gut, my car (in classic Jeff style) started acting up on me a few days ago.  It never fails, something big and important that i have to drive some distance away for, and my car starts having problems.  Last time it was graduation, now it's this interview.  But it's not all the time and it comes and goes.  Truthfully, my father and I agree that it's probably just moisture in the tank due to the unseasonably warm weather we had and the 2 feet of snow melting in a day.  My fingers are crossed that what I did to fix it worked, just so I can get down and home tomorrow without any problems.  God knows that hasn't happened to me before (stupid engine)...

So what I'm doing right now, after taking an extra day off from work to just relax and get everything in order, is sitting with a beer, trying to get my mind off of it so I can actually sleep tonight.  I suppose writing this isn't helping me get my mind off of everything, but it is starting to make me feel a little better.  I'm sure that's not the beer talking....


....at least I dont think it is...  

So I think this entry has gone on long enough.  I will more than likely write another entry tomorrow after I get home from the thing going "I can't believe I was so nervous!  That was nothing!  Man I'm a tard!"

...hmm...I know me too well...